Dear Moms-To-Be,

Mother's Day is just a couple days away and of course I am overjoyed and overwhelmed by the tiny human being growing inside of me. My miracle. My gift from God. But I am also heart broken for my loved ones who are longing to feel that little person moving inside of them. Those who are not yet mothers and those who are mothers longing for another child.

I remember a year ago crying through the whole church service and turning down a lunch invitation with our sweet pastor and his family because I was so broken. I was bitter. I secretly envied those women who got to take a potted plant home with them as gift just because someone called them "mom". I went home and cried myself to sleep. I wanted to be a mom. I wanted a baby to need me.

When I was on my infertility journey multiple women came to me to share their own stories to encourage me. I had no idea just how many people had the same struggle as me. In those moments I felt like I was the only one. It made me realize how many women that I didn't even know about were struggling. Some I worked with or went to church with were likely dealing with infertility and I didn't even know.

While I am so thankful for this baby sometimes I do wonder why God has chosen to give me a baby when so many of my friends are still longing for that. It's something that has changed me forever. It has made me more compassionate. Its has made me realize that everyone out there goes through their own secret struggles. That just because people look okay on the outside they are crying on the inside.

As I prepare to welcome  my daughter into the world I think about you and I pray for you often. The best advice I can give you...it will happen. Someday. Maybe not this month or this year. I know so many of you have been waiting so long and some of you have suffered tragedy, but you will have a little one who needs you one day. It won't be when you are expecting it. It will be when God allows it to happen. And let me tell you, when it is in God's timing it is so much more precious. It is so worth the wait.

So hang on. Trust in Him. I am still having to learn to do that everyday. Though I have had nine ultrasounds and I know she is healthy and growing it is still very easy to doubt that she will be okay. Ultimately I know God is taking care of the miracle he has given me. It just amazes me how easily I doubt God sometimes when I have proof that he has taken care of me. So we will do this together. We will trust. We will have faith that one day we will be mothers. So from one mom-to-be to another, Happy Mother's Day. I look forward to the day when we are all sitting around cradling our little ones sharing mom stories! :)

Our Baby Girl: The Rest of the Story

This coming to you from a very happy expectant mommy. Most of you know that we are expecting our first, but you don't know the whole, very amazing story behind this miracle baby.

Our journey to baby began in August of 2010. After fertility treatment, surgery, and a move to Washington, DC we landed at a new fertility doctor. The visit ended in tears, and little did we know what the next three months would produce. Visit after visit, procedure after procedure, test after test, follow up after follow up at Johns Hopkins left us worn out. But the end result...the neurosurgeon and cardiologist cleared me to get pregnant once again. I have brain AVM's and I had a lung AVM that was removed. The whole 2 years leading up to this left us wondering if we would ever get pregnant and questioning why we weren't yet. The answer came at Johns Hopkins when they told me I had a lung AVM. As I well knew those were very dangerous in pregnancy due to potential hemorrhaging. I just never thought I had one. My dad had had them, but it didn't even cross my mind that I was at risk. Initially we went to JH to address the brain AVM's. The lung scan was routine due to family history. I had my AVM removed on Novemeber 6th, and I was cleared to get pregnant.

About two weeks later we conceived our baby girl. Two weeks!!! Literally as soon as I possibly could have gotten pregnant safely I did. Did the fertility doctors or the neurosurgeon or the cardiologist do that? Nope. No medicine. No man made help. God. The Great Physician is the one who is solely responsible for this miracle growing inside me. When I realized the timing of everything I was overwhelmed. After those two years of struggling with infertility God gave me my miracle baby. He did it in is timing. He did it after making sure I was healthy. Looking back I realize His way for me was perfect. He knew I would be a mom one day. When the fertility doctor in DC looked at me and said he wanted me to have a baby, but that he wanted me to be around to raise my baby I thought he was out of his mind for even thinking that. He is what prompted me to get things checked out, but God is the one who was taking care of me through this doctor.

Was our journey here easy? No. Did I handle it like I should have all the time? No. Did I trust God fully the whole time? No. Did I learn to wait on Him? Did I learn that God always has a plan that is best for me? Am I thankful? Yes. Yes. And yes. I wish I would have handled this trial better at times, that I would been patient. How sad it is to me that I ever doubted that God was taking care of me. But I am thankful for what God has brought me through, that he has made me a stronger person, that I can share my story and be a blessing to another hurting woman.

This little girl has made me happy beyond words, and I can't wait to meet her. The past two weeks have been so awesome feeling her moving around in there. Flipping, kicking, punching. I can't get enough of it. Every little movement reminds me of God's girft to me.

AVM's: Brain and Lung

The results are in. I have three AVM's (arteriovenous malformation) in my brain and one in my lung. We were aware that I had malformations in my brain and were looking for a diagnosis. However, we did not expect there to be anything wrong with my lung. It was more of a preventative screening because my dad has had them in the past, and we share the bleeding disorder. Also preventative in that pulmonary AVM's must be removed before pregnancy. I talked to my dad. He has had his embolized before, and it sounds relatively simple. They will go in through the groin with a catheter and "tie it off", suffocating it. The brain AVM's though are not that simple. Due to the area of the brain they are in, they are inoperable. There is treatment now for them called cyber knife radiation. I have an appt. with the neurosurgeon in two weeks to discuss whether we should treat them or just monitor them.

Definition: In both cases these are malformations of arteries and veins. The worst that can happen is they could hemorrhage. Which could be life-altering. So it's a problem. But more of a problem is that with pregnancy there is an increase in blood flow and blood supply. Thus, more of a risk for hemorrhaging. And actually, the lung AVM is more of a risk during pregnancy than brain AVM's. Plus, the treatment for the lung is less complicated. So let's get rid of that thing!

They told me right after the angiogram that they were AVM's. Not a surprise there. I just want to know a plan. But when they called to tell me that there was also one in my lung you could have blown me over with a feather. I'm telling you. No one was expecting this. When we left Baltimore last Wednesday I was already thinking that we were almost done. We just needed to come up with a plan for my brain. And we should be back at the fertility dr. talking babies in just a few weeks. Scratch that. Let's go to the lung dr.! That was not on my list of things to even have to think about. Goodness! I am still trying to get an appt. with the lung dr. so we can set up the procedure. But ultimately we should be done and have a plan in a month.

About halfway through this post I took a break because I was starting to get overwhelmed again. I went upstairs to take a bath. It was there I had a revelation. Going back to the beginning of all of this two months ago I immediately questioned why all of this was happening here, the place I just moved, far away from my family and closest friends. I realized, in the bathtub, that the reason we moved here was to go to this new fertility dr. The reason I have brain AVM's and the reason I have not gotten pregnant is because I have this lung AVM. I believe if I had not had those brain AVM's I would not have been tested for the lungs. Anything you read, any dr. you talk to, they all agree that having a lung AVM while pregnant is dangerous. If the drs. would have known what we would have known now I can guarantee none of them would have advised me to get pregnant.

So let me just tell you the plan. Keep doing what I'm doing. Letting God take care of me. Even though I haven't been able to see it the whole time, that's what he's been doing all along. Two years ago when we couldn't get pregnant it was hard to understand why. A year and a half ago when we went to the fertility dr. it was hard not to get discouraged. A year ago when we started fertility treatment and went three rounds with no results it was hard not to question why. Two months ago when the new fertility dr. wanted further evaluation on pre-existing brain malformations before he would treat me it was hard to see the bigger picture. A week ago when I found out I had AVM's in my lung and my brain it was hard not to get overwhelmed. Today, as I write this it is hard not to be amazed at the power of God. He has known the master plan all along. He has known all along that he would give me a baby. He just wanted me to be healthy before he did so I could stick around to be a mom.

Another Day in Baltimore

<p>I write this as we sit in traffic trying to get to Baltimore. We live in Virginia about five miles away from Maryland. It took us a half hour just to get to the bridge. The hospital called to ask if we could come early. Um, no. We will be late unless you have a helicopter that can pick us up. Early? Really? I don't think we've been early for anything since we moved to this part of the country. <br>
I am having my brain angiogram today at 11. It's a test where they go in through my groin through a major artery all the way to my brain. Pretty cool. The only thing that has me on edge is that I'm allergic to the contrast. I am being pre-medicated with steroids and Benadryl. It's so lovely. I've had to do it before.you're so tired from the Benadryl, but you can't sleep because you're hyped up on steroids. And the steroids make your stomach hurt because the Dr told you not to eat but the medication bottle says take with food!!!
We do get to stay in Baltimore tonight. We got a hotel right by the harbor. Hopefully the sedation will wear off so I can enjoy it.
Then tomorrow morning is the CT scan of my chest. And of course it is with contrast too so more steroids.
The results of these tests will determine if the lesions in my brain are avms and at risk of hemorrhaging with pregnancy and if they want to treat them. The chest scan will look for lung avms. They want to test me because my dad has them.
The great part is after this we are done and we will just be waiting for results. Then we will have a plan for pregnancy.
Everyone has been so sweet. Thank you for all the prayers.
"at other times, what's on His mind is another plan, a better way, a greater yes." This has gone through my head no less than 50 times since I went to bed last night. It's what I woke up thinking multiple times in the night.

Health Update: A Day in Baltimore

Thank goodness for blogging. Its just way easier to explain the complicated-ness that is my life sometimes. We went to Johns Hopkins Thursday in Baltimore to get this whole process started. I saw the pulmonary HHT specialist. He ordered an echo on my chest just to make sure my lungs were clear of AVM's since my dad has them in his lungs. And since these are actually more dangerous than brain AVM's, especially through pregnancy and child birth. That wasn't a surprise to me though. The nurse made a call and they were able to get me in this afternoon. Thank goodness. Between all of the doctors appointments and tests there are like nine different appointments I will need. Cross this one off the list.

And let me just inject right here that Bryan thoroughly enjoyed himself during this visit. When the nurse first came in I was sitting at eye level with her because Bryan kept raising and raising the chair I was sitting in while I was trying to fill out paper work. She looked a little stunned! :)

After the pulmonary doctor was the ENT. Oh boy, was he fun. The nurse came in and sprayed numbing spray up my nose so the doctor could probe around my nose. I'm sure none of you have ever had the inside of your nose numbed. It's weird. I kept wiping it because it was running, but I couldn't feel it till it was on my upper lip. In the meantime Bryan found the light on the chair and was shining it in my eyes...right before he pushed some more buttons on the chair. This time I was laying back. That guy! I think he enjoyed himself so much because he never gets to go to the doctor like I do.  After this magic wand was inserted up my nose to explore the doctor left and my forehead started to itch. I looked down and I had a couple patches on my arms too. Wouldn't you know it. I was allergic to the numbing spray. Good grief. It's always something.

We had a couple hours until my echo so we headed that way and decided to grab something quick to eat on the way. We made it downtown to discover that the hospital was not in the best part of town. The best way to describe it is that there were inmates in orange jump suits with a guard picking up trash on the side of the road. And that guard with them didn't make me feel any safer. We made it to the Burger King, shoved our food down (not because we were hungry, but primarily for our safety) and headed down the road.

We went to the hospital then for the echo. The test took about an hour so Bryan found a pillow and tried to nap in the corner. I still have not heard the results. I am not expecting there to be any problems, but I should hear from them tomorrow.

After all of the poking and prodding we went down to Inner Harbor and had Cheesecake Factory on the river. So yummy. Browsed Barnes and Noble. Went up to the observatory deck 28 stories up and got to see Baltimore up close and personal. It was very cool. Then we walked around the mall and headed back to the Cheesecake Factory to get that cheesecake that our tummies had no room for earlier. One Oreo piece and one Snickers piece. Yum-O!!!

The day overall was great. Had the necessary tests and appointments. Nothing too emotional at this point. Got to spend the whole day with my husband. Got some sight seeing and good food in. Good day.

This is just the beginning of the whole process. Wednesday we will go back up to Baltimore to see the Nurse Practicioner about the upcoming angiogram, and we will be seeing the neurologist. We will then be out of town for the next week and a half. So when we get back I will go to an allergist because, of course, I am allergic to the dye they will use in the angiogram. Then we will have the angiogram. After that is when they will decide if I do have AVM's, if they want to treat them, and if they think it is safe for me to get pregnant.

In the meantime they have instructed us to stop trying for a baby. So we are on a baby break. Its so hard when the desire of my heart is to hold a little baby. My baby. But I do believe that God has protected me from getting pregnant these past two years because it is likely that I do have brain AVM's. So we are just waiting now. Waiting on the doctors, waiting on the tests, waiting on God. Not that it's easy but I have peace that this is the right thing to do right now. That helps. Today in church Pastor used an illustration about the Cape of Good Hope. It was originally named the Cape of Storms by the explorer who found it. He named it that due to the storms all around him on his journey. Then years later Vasco de Gama named it the Cape of Good Hope. He had a different perspective. He saw the hope in his journey. The end result. Making it to India. It really hit home with me. There is hope. The hope that one day God will give me baby. I know he will. But right now I have to wait. And not focus on the storms, but on the hope.

Thank you to all of you who are praying. So many of you have called or texted or emailed checking on me. I wanted to blog about this so I could answer all of your questions in as much detail as possible.

Safeway Couponing Trip

I keep posting pictures of my couponing trips, but if you don't know how I'm saving money then it doesn't help you. So for this post I am going to post a picture and tell you how I saved all the money. This particular post will be about Safeway. So pay attention DC area people. I hope to post other stores in the future.

-2 boxes of Hot Pockets-These were on sale for $1.88. I had a $2 off 2 Safeway coupon. I had an 95 cent off 2 coupon which doubled to stack on top of that. Final price-FREE.

-1 box of popsicles. They were on sale for $2.49. I had a $1 off Safeway coupon. And I had a $1 off coupon to stack on top of that. Final price-49 cents.

-12 boxes of Nabisco crackers. These usually retail for $3.99, but they were on sale for $1.88. I had coupons for $1 off 2. Final price-$1.38 each.

-2 boxes Triscuits. I happened upon these. They are new so there was a coupon for $1 off 1 attached to each box. They also were on sale for $1.88. Final price-88 cents each.

-4 bags of Lay's chips. They were on sale BOGO free. Original price was $4.29 a bag. Final price-$2.65 each.

-2 boxes of Keebler crackers. These were also on sale for $1.88. I had a Safeway coupon for $1 off 2. Final price-$.138 each.

This trip was about a month ago. The total was around $100, and I paid $33. I will take a 66% savings anyday! I once read a blog about a lady whose goal was to save 60% every time she shops. In my experience that is actually very realistic. the goal is not to get thousands of dollars of groceries free. Those shows you see on TV are not real. That's why it's so addicting. :) It may not seem feasible to you right now, but I'm telling you, saving 60% is very doable. This is by using coupons and the store ads. Because, of course there aren't coupons for every single item. Milk, produce, meat...There are times when I hardly use any coupons and still save 60%. BOGO sales. Bulk meat sales. They are out there. 

So for all of you who have a Safeway by you, you need to download the Safeway app! It's their Just4U program. If you don't have an android phone you can sign up online. Register your card and browse all the savings. Whatever deals you are interested in just load to your card. There is a tab for coupons and a tab for personalized deals. The coupons tab is self explanatory. But I love the personalized deals tab. Your card remembers items that you buy a lot of and gives you deals that are especially for you. Every shoppers card will have different deals. For instance, last week I got a deal for Laughing Cow cheese. They usually sell for $3.99, but my deal was for $1.88. That is almost 60% off. But the best part of using your Safeway card is that you can stack manufacturer's coupons on top of the Safeway coupons and deals. With your Safeway card you can get rock bottom prices. Do it today! Sign your card up with their rewards program. 

A Car and Some Coupons

This past Saturday Bryan and I bought a new car. A Honda CR-V. I love it. This is the first time in our 8 year marriage that we have had a nice car. Sometimes when I walk by the window I just look out at it! 

So after we bought the car we drove it across the street to Safeway. Coupons in hand I was ready to start saving money.  There were three items on my list. Chex, fruit snacks, and brownies. I got 2 boxes of brownies for 25 cents a box. Fruit snacks were 25 cents a box. And Chex were 50 cents a box. My total started at $66 and I walked away paying $6.66. 90% savings, baby!!! We loaded the groceries in the new car, and I called my mom, not to tell her about our new SUV, but to tell her how much I saved!!! True story.

Now, what do a car and a shopping trip have to do with each other? Nothing. I wanted to post about my savings, so I threw our new car in there. Had to. Love it!!!